I believe that love is one of the most misunderstood subjects in the modern world. Many of our perceptions of what love is have been shaped in our minds by messages from the mass media rather than from an observation of our direct experiences in life.
When I do Feng Shui consultations for couples I usually have to begin by helping them release the negative beliefs they have about love and relationships, and then I proceed to share with them these…
Nine Feng Shui Beliefs About Love
1. Love Grows With Time
Many people believe that love is like an arrow that is shot into the sky, that it starts with great strength, peaks, and then begins its descent. The truth is that love resembles a cultivated garden more than an arrow. The more energy you put into a relationship, the more you care for it. The more you share your life with another, the more affinity you have with him or her and the closer the bonds of love. This of course, provided that none of the partners is actively abusing, suppressing or putting down the other.
2. Love is not a Short Term Project
Often people write to me asking me what to do in order that someone doesn’t leave or come back to them. They say they are ready to do “whatever it takes” to fix their relationships. However, in most cases, relationships benefit more from not-doing than from doing. Love is ruled by the earth element, which yields and receives. The idea that you can fix a person or a relationship by doing or saying something can easily lead to nagging or pushy behaviors, that tend to drive the person away from us instead of attracting them to us. Love is a life area that is a consequence of the past. Refraining from harsh words or criticism, or giving the other person some space and time is sometimes more effective than anything you could say or do. Constant kindness that builds up over time is the best remedy for hurting relationships.
3. Love Means Generosity
Some spiritual advisors say that you have to be generous in order to attract more abundance to yourself, but if you look around you will see many people who are stingy and quite wealthy. However, you would be hard pressed to find a relationship that thrives in the midst of stinginess. Generosity is a requirement for love. Generosity with your time, touch and resources nurtures a relationship and builds trust.
4. Given Enough Time, Every One Will Let You Down
Given enough time, everyone you love is bound to let you down or disappoint you in some way. In some marriages it comes in the form of cheating, but more commonly it presents itself in less extreme ways. A partner can betray a relationship by becoming withdrawn and denying love; or by getting married to their job or a hobby; or by putting all their energy into the children; or even by not standing up for their partner in front of their family of origin. Other times betrayal will come in the shape of mismanaging money or avoiding the responsibilities of daily life. Expecting that you will never be disappointed by your chosen life partner is destructive and naive. True love understands that disappointment is inevitable and comes up with strategies for getting over crises and forgiving the other.
5. To Forgive is to Love
I know people who say “Once I lose trust in somebody, it is gone forever.” They say this proudly, as if the inability to forgive or accept the humanity of another person was some kind of virtue. If you can’t forgive someone you cannot affirm that you really love them either. If you are married to resentment you cannot be married to your love. This doesn’t mean you should condone unacceptable behavior, but that you should find ways to let go of your own anger. Once freed from anger and resentment, it becomes easier to make the decisions that will be for your highest good.
6. Everyone Needs a Chance to Come Clean
At some point or another we are all bound to do or say something that hurts the relationship and that our partner may not be aware of. It is very important that each partner periodically revise their actions towards the marriage or partnership and come clean about the things they have done that were not for the highest good of the couple. Ideally this would happen by speaking openly with your partner, but sometimes this is too difficult and then a good alternative is to write down what happened with as many details as possible, including date and time if you remember, and then proceed to tear up and recycle the paper. When you come clean, it is easier to improve your behavior in the future, when you hide things from your partner, it seems easier to get stuck in destructive behaviors.
7. Making Love Last is Easy
As I said before, love grows naturally with time. Keeping love alive is not the issue. I have worked with many people who were divorced or separated from someone whom they still loved and in some cases, who still loved them back, yet they were not able to live together. What we aim for in Feng Shui is to help couples to Stay Together, through the challenges and changes of life. Once you accept that love grows naturally with time, it becomes a lot easier to love.
8. People Change
How common it is to hear someone accuse a partner saying “You have changed!” as if change was a form of betrayal. Other times you hear them complain “You don’t change.” Change is natural, necessary and healthy. When two people marry or get together they usually have a lot of affinity with each other and agree on many things about life, but as time goes by they both change and sometimes they don’t change at the same speed or in the same direction. It is at these times that Feng Shui can be instrumental in helping the couple Stay Together.
9. Marriage is an Intended Relationship
Marriage is made and maintained not out of a written contract, or a religious ceremony, or a shared place to live. Marriage is a relationship built by intent. Every day that a couple wakes up with the intention of Staying Together, is a good day for that marriage. If they continue this practice for months and years, the marriage tends to get better. When one or both partners allow doubts to settle in their hearts and stop intending their relationship, separation is bound to follow shortly after.