Several years ago a professional woman, Thalia (not her real name), asked me to help her Feng Shui her place so that she could find love.
Her biggest problem was, she admitted, that she “dated down.” She went out with guys that were less successful and less affluent than she was, and they always ended up taking advantage of her.
I knew that we needed to work, not just on her relationships area, but on her wealth area too. In Feng Shui, self-worth is in the same life area as wealth.
One thing that came out of her Feng Shui consultation was that, in her mind, she was “dating up.” She was choosing guys that deep down she thought were too good looking for her, so she felt she had to give up something in return — the expectation of dating a man who as at least as successful as she was.
Breakthroughs and the “Law of Attraction”
During her Feng Shui consultation, she had several breakthroughs, where she realized what she had been doing wrong. Things started to improve right away. She went out on several promising dates.
At this time, she became familiar with the movie The Secret, and the “Law of Attraction.” She decided to write down a list of everything she wanted in a man, so that the Universe would deliver to her an ideal partner.
She started her list with physical attributes: he had to be tall, fit, with green or blue eyes, with blonde or light brown hair. He had to be a professional, and make more money than her 100K per year.
The Universe delivered to her a married man, that met all her other requirements. After a short, painful affair ended, Thalia went back to her list, and added: “single or divorced.”
What About Inside Qualities?
I suggested she add to her list the internal qualities that she was looking for in a man, such as honesty, or faithfulness. She said she would.
Shortly after she met Tom, who seemed to be her perfect match: late thirties, divorced, had a profession, owned a successful business, well liked in his community, very handsome, super fit, responsible, kind. He was also very much into her.
For 12 days, they had a wonderful time together. Then their budding relationship abruptly ended. What happened on the thirteenth day, you might ask?
Tom asked her if she wanted to go sailing with him and his 2 children the next day. Introducing her to the kids — I saw this as a very good sign.
Now, Thalia knew that he had 2 kids. His ex-wife, who had custody, had moved to a city that was a few hours away so Thalia expected visits would be very sporadic.
It turned out that Tom actually drove the distance to go get the children 2 weekends per month. He also had them for 2 weeks during summer vacation.
Thalia broke up with him. When I asked her why, she said she had written on her list for her “ideal guy” that the man be unencumbered by kids from a previous marriage, because she “did not want to raise another woman’s kids.”
I didn’t think that 2 weekends a month and 2 weeks in the year accounted for raising another woman’s children. Tom was involved in his children’s lives, being a good father. This was also a good sign, because Thalia wanted to have kids of her own.
Thalia did not agree with me. This was obviously not the man she had asked for, and the Universe had just sent him to test her, and make sure she would not settle for anything other than exactly what she asked for. That was, she said, what the “Law of Attraction” taught.
I asked her to forget the LOA for a moment, and consider the following. She was in her late thirties. Any men that were available for her, who met her most important requirements, were likely to have had previous relationships, and kids. I said this so she would re-consider Tom.
Instead, she went back to her list of requirements for her “perfect guy” and added: “no kids and no previous attachments.”
I mentioned, during a phone call, that she was perhaps being unrealistic, and shutting the doors to potential good love relationships. Thalia got angry. She was very rude to me, so I had to hang up, and fired her as a client.
Living Love in the Future
Thalia’s core problem was that she wanted to live love in the future.
Her imaginations of what her life could actually be like in the future made her current life feel drab and uninteresting.
No man whom she met in the present was a match for the idealization of a man she had created in her head. She believed this man was “somewhere out there” looking for her. Settling with someone else, she thought, would be a betrayal to “him.”
I have seen many women pass up chances for true love, because they were thinking that they should not settle, but instead wait for that great love that may be waiting for them “around the corner.”
But what is marriage if not settling? Did I just say “settling”? Before you leave this page in disgust, hear me out.
Traditionally, marriage has been referred to as the act of “settling down,” no longer drifting, or trying out potential partners. Marriage is the act of finding a place where you can settle your heart. Marriage means that you have stopped looking, that you are ready to commit to one person and give it your all.
There is more than one way to live love in the future, other than what Thalia did. Here are a few:
- Wanting to find a man that is as fantastic as your dad is or was. No man will ever be as good as a dad you idolized as a child, because your childhood memory is augmenting the good points and denying any shortcomings. No one can compete with that.
- Looking for “prince charming” to show up and “sweep you off your feet.” Grown up love is not like that. Grown up love is a partnership of two people who are equally important, and equally responsible.
- Looking for a man that meets the requirements of what your family would like for you, instead of the qualities that are truly important to you.
Look for a Good Man, not an Ideal Man
A woman who is determined to find an “ideal guy” is not much different than the teenager that hangs a poster of Justin Bieber on her bedroom wall, and hopes that he will somehow fall in love with her. An “ideal” man is just an idea!
After the experience of working with Thalia on her Feng Shui, I created a webinar called “What to Look for in a Man,” to help women realize what is really important to find in a man.
You can view the recording of the webinar in the video below:
What Became of Thalia?
I never saw or talked to Thalia again, but a common acquaintance has told me that Thalia is still single. Other life areas, that were working really well for her before, started going down after she became a “Law of Attraction” buff. She lost her high paying job, she lost her home, and her health declined.
Thalia had been applying LOA teachings to all of her life. She was unhappy about some aspect of her high paying job, so she made a “perfect job” list. When she thought she had found it, she left her previous job, that had been with a very stable company, for a startup. The job did not last. She got another great job, but also found fault with it. She embarked on a crusade with her new employers — the “Law of Attraction” had told her to never put up with, or tolerate, anything that didn’t fit her ideal lifestyle — which ended up in a lawsuit, that she won. After winning the lawsuit, she became “unemployable” in her field.
She took this as a sign that the Universe was betting on her to “follow her dreams.” She used the settlement money to live on for one year, while not working, and investing on a craft that she thought would bring her a lot of money. She had created a vision board for this, and was sure it would work. It didn’t.
After that, she was never able to get hired at the same level as before. She now works as a temp, still trying to make money from her craft, and dates guys who are also into her craft, for company. In all these years, she has never had a stable relationship.
Manifesting the Feng-Shui-Way
It was from looking at Thalia, and other clients and friends trying to apply the “Law of Attraction” unsuccessfully, that I created the Feng Shui Manifesting Course. The LOA is a good teaching, but a very incomplete one. The major flaw that I see in LOA applications is the idea that a person should aim to get “whatever they want.” This is a bad idea, because most people are so disconnected from their own selves that they usually want things that would be very bad for them.
It is your ego that “wants what it wants.” Your true self, the spiritual being that you are, wants your Highest Good. There are spiritual safeguards in Manifesting the Feng Shui Way, to make sure you do not ruin your life. Feng Shui helps you manifest things in a way that is always aligned with your Highest Good.
How About Your Love Life?
Take a good look at your own love life. Are you keeping love away by dreaming of an unlikely future? Are you ruining your chances of being happy with a current partner, because you dream that someone better might come along? Answer these questions honestly, then dare to live love in the present.